I’ll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I’ll be the fire escape that’s bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I’ll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgment’s on the brink
I’ll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you’re lying there drifting off to sleep…
I’ll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity’s done to you…
You won’t have to strain to look into my eyes
I’ll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won’t catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We’ll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We’ll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change

— Postal Service, Brand New Colony

I am a big time victim of this scenario: things get difficult/busy and the things I was originally excited about and wanted to do, soon turn into things I “have to do.”  Some switch gets flicked in my head and suddenly I loathe this task, in fact, i dread it so much, I get body block. 

Now, body block, is something I’ve discovered recently where I have my list in front of me, stare at it for a good 5 minutes, tell myself “Ok, you know what you have to do, you have 1 hour to get it done, let’s DO IT!!”  And immediately proceed to fart around on twitter for the next 3 hours, link chasing, and reading interesting blogs.  I akin this experience to writers’ block in that I feel a physical and mental paralysis where I have such an aversion to the important task at hand that I can’t MAKE myself get it done (or even start). 

Now, this has been the most frustrated and unnerving experiences for me because continuous questions keep popping up in my mind as a result.  Am I just a lazy person?  Do I have ADD? Why am I so unmotivated?  Is this really the career I’m meant to do?

One example of this type of situation is this blog itself.  I have not been contributing anything lately because I simply turned it into something I “had” to do and therefore, the creativity and idea tap ceased to flow. 

I found a great blog entry recently via Entrepreneur by Sid Kemp called, Set Yourself On Fire.  In it, he describes all the symptoms of my body/mental block, as well as advice on how to avoid making the same mistakes. I’ll paraphrase them below: 

1. Vocalizing your goals - This can be your goals for the day, for the month, for the year, or indefinitely.  By saying this aloud, you are engaging your brain to make the concepts more concrete in your mind.
2. Daily practice - Sid says to “make a fresh start everyday.”  Basically, motivation takes a lot of work and practice - you can’t just expect to push the motivation button and have it work consistently.
3. First things first - One of the best pieces of advice that I found in the blog was echoed by Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and motivational coach, Barry Gottlieb:  First thing every morning spend time thinking about positive “and nourishing ideas for the first two hours of every day.”  The power of positivity goes a long way!

I’m excited to try some of these techniques and see what works for me.  I feel like there’s a light at the end of my personal slump - so I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. Do you have a personal tip on how you stay motivated when things get tough?

My, o my.  It has been a while.  I just read over my last post (hella days ago) and realized that through the months plenty has changed and a lot of the same questions and soul searching has not.  New developments:  working for a good company, livin in the east bay, making decent money and definitely luckier than most post-grads right now. I took the plunge.

Many of my friends are still without jobs or have recently lost jobs or recently quit jobs.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what we should be searching for or striving for as an occupation/career.  I would say most people don’t like their jobs and are just doing it because they need a paycheck.  Completely understandable.  Sometimes, this can work out for a while and sometimes it is so painful and miserable that these individuals lash out or make everyone else’s lives miserable so that everyone can wallow in the same pit of despair like little bitter piggies (wow, say that 5 times fast).  I really get a sense of this when I go into certain accounts for work and you can just feel the attitudes floating and bumping into each other when you walk through the door.  One of my co-workers/competition noticed it today as well and remarked, “wow, everyone is in such a GREAT mood in here today.”  I reminded him that it was like this in here everyday.  And then I thought about how some accounts are super fun and cheery and then others are like the bubonic plague - the negativity infects everyone and you leave feeling like you need either a lobotomy or a quick pick-me-up.

For the latter situation, I feel like if you’re stuck working in one of these places, you need to be rid of this shadow on your life.  Sure, work isn’t fun ALL the time but if you have more “ugh” than “ha!” in your job, it could definitely be a drain on you, personally. “But Brandy, the economy really sucks right now!” Uh, duh.  Just be smart about it and struggle towards something you REALLY want to do - something that sparks your passion and above all, WORK HARD AT IT.  I try to remember that if you surround yourself with positive people, situations and tasks, you do a whole lot better.

speaking of which:

Everyone should try Bikram yoga (hot yoga).  Straight up amazing.  I’m definitely addicted and am trying to convince my mom to do it (she’s a little nervous).  Its the most I’ve sweat in my entire life rolled into 90 minutes.

Check it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEzznV7LlyA

Man, I have a lot of vices.  I’m Stubborn, I do things I’m not Proud of, I have trouble Thinking Ahead most of the time… too many to list.  I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life and I’m dragging my feet.  I want to make a big bold move but that means cutting a lot of ties and hoping that with luck things will work out.  Which I really feel like they will, its just a big leap of faith for me.

when the child was just a child
it did not know what it was
like a child it had no habits
no opinion about anything

These days I’m struggling to improve myself and my work.  I look at companies that I want to work for and find myself disappointed in the work I’m producing.  I long to be creative, experimental and unique with my editing and productions but sometimes I feel like I fall short.  I know things won’t be amazing immediately as I am still young and inexperienced, I just wish that more opportunities were available for me to get to that level.  If I would just immerse myself into an environment where I can learn more from someone who has the knowledge and skills necessary, I would advance faster.  I also know that I could do these things on my own, I just need to muster up the courage and do it.

maybe i will get a job
get a job as a waitress
maybe waiting tables in a diner
in some remote city down the highway

I am motivated, positive, ambitious and committed.  The right ingredients for someone to hire me, its just hard to convey that on paper when 400 other people are trying to say the same thing to that person or company.

after all that we’ve been through
i know we’ll make it after the wait
the question is a truth
there is nothing we can’t do
i’ll see you along the way baby
the stillness is the move

So what can I say about myself that makes me stand out?  I have a perfect circular freckle on my pinky finger?  I have two really hairy cats that cuddle with me in the morning hours?  I have a strange obsession with wine that I can’t afford?  I have a desire to hug people that I think are great but that I’m not that intimate with?  I have an appreciation for fonts and typography and old typewriters?  Other people burping makes me feel sick?

on top of every mountain
there was a great longing
for another even higher mountain
in each city longing for a bigger city

All I want and all I need might be 300 miles away, in San Francisco.  I bite my finger with the freckle and imagine the possibilities of a different life, a way to reinvent myself.  But in the end, don’t we still end up with the same vices and the same problems, just in a different setting?

after all that we’ve been through
i know that i will always love you
from now until forever baby
i can’t imagine anything better

The real world is here.  Am I going to jump in?  Or continue to stand at the side and peek in every now and then?

(music lyrics: The Dirty Projectors; stillness is the move)

Music playing right now:

Like Today - Atmosphere

I realized as I was walking onto campus this morning on my way to the computer lab that this was my last official day of college classes.  Feelings of confusion, panic, joy, happiness and sadness washed over me.  As a super senior, I have often thought of Cal Poly throughout my five years as the bane of my existence and at times my savior.

I think i might have enjoyed these thoughts and the taste of imminent freedom a little better if I didn’t have so many projects to finish before Friday.  I am excited to see all my family when they come here on Wednesday and spend some time with my extended family like we used to when my brother and I were younger.

In other news:

My documentary is still in pieces but I have GREAT b-roll that I was given by the PR at Diablo Canyon, Emily Christensen.  I also have footage of the NRC meeting I talked about going to last entry.  It was pretty interesting - I saw both of the people I interviewed from the local community groups and one of them, David Weisman, came up to me and shook my hand.  It was pretty cool.

Addressing goals:

I have revised my list of goals and realized that in this past quarter, quite a bit has changed.  I am currently planning on staying in the Central Coast until I get a different job opportunity and I’m focusing on honing my multimedia and video skills and gaining more experience in post-production.  One of my main goals is to learn how to use Flash and better my knowledge of either Adobe AfterEffects or Apple Motion.

I love the design aspect of these programs and I feel that they really add a lot of flourish and creative professional touches to videos.

I really hope that someday I’ll be able to get a job that will catapult my career towards what I really love doing but for now I’m going to be patient, practice my craft and work on my personal life and fitness in order to prepare me for when that day comes.

I’ll let you know when I post my senior project and documentary on my brand new website! (courtesy of godaddy) — http://brandyscoggan.com.